On Seeking

Reading “That which you are seeking is causing you to seek”. It’s a book on meditation, mindfulness and practicing a life of awareness. I’ve read it many times, and it’s led to changes, but lately, many of those changes have flown out of the window, along with my attention.

It’s funny, because as I read the first few pages, it speaks of the meditation practice — how quickly it goes from “ooh this is exciting”, to “why am I sitting here, what else can I do” — this inherent struggle between the seeking mind and allowing yourself to discover the nothingness you need to enjoy the peace and presence in the current moment.

July 4th, 2015, I decided, 10 years after my first Vipassana course, that it was I really established a daily meditation sit in my life. “Can I meditate every day for a year?” was the question. I sat 306 days of the following 365 days. Somedays just 5 minutes, but slowly I’ve gotten up to 35 minutes. (Recently though I’ve dipped down to 20 minutes.) To establish the space, I granted myself that my requirement was to sit on my cushion, irregardless of if I practiced Vipassana or not.

And it’s funny, how quickly the thoughts come rushing in. I’ve even caught myself checking my phone in the morning for messages. There are days when I just don’t want to meditate. Or sit. “Enjoy this moment? But I’ve got so much I could be doing?”, or my favorite, “but my puppy just needs me to scratch his belly”.

The same discontent during my meditation practice follows me during the day — but what else could follow me? If I sow seeds of discontent when I should be enjoying the moment, how could I enjoy the moment at any other point during the day. It doesn’t happen.

It takes a certain courage to actually meditate. For the mind to let go, and let you just sit. It’s worth the risk though, for whatever immediate discontent might rise up, it will pass away, and with it the understanding that these impermanent sensations aren’t the source of your joy and wellbeing.